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Taxy entered The Fatty Steatosis freak bar first, followed by Plato, Keef and finally J, who was wondering what had happened to Momma. The Jizzfuckers were already into the second song of their set, which was a pathetic cover of ‘Hanging Out With Ian Curtis.’ An old moose named Cyril was the only creature on the dance floor. Apart from a mutard and a person who looked strangely like a person that J had never seen before, the bar was empty. None of the punters at the bar took any notice of the people entering. Taxy stopped, stunned that he was not being mobbed by a group of raving pre-schoolers. Plato headed straight for the bar to get a bucket for him and Jimmy to dribble in. Meanwhile Keef, in his drugged out and confused state, walked up to the stage and attempted to chat up Cyril. J sat back and decided he needed some inspiration. After downing the remaining two tabs of Mono13 and seven lite beers he walked up onto the stage, booting his doppelganger off and screamed: “Lets faaaaarkeen play some meeeeewwwwzak!”
He violently jammed the silver microphone up his rectum and got going on an old track that ripped out of the second rate stack of Guerrilla speakers and had him leaping around with a three foot neck, banging the mic stand into his forehead.
The band let out a full-throttle punk disco assault that pelted the now growing audience with obscenity and bile. People from the street found themselves attracted to the music ran in and slammed to the band as they smashed beer bottles and stabbed other patrons with them. Soon the mosh was sliding around in blood and human parts. J had a grin that (literally) stretched from ear to ear. They segued into ‘Get Fucked Cunt,’ that had a low-tech seventies dance beat inlaid somewhere in the song.
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I don’t like you very much,” J screeched rather than sang.
And so the chorus was repeated.
J was momentarily amazed. He had never seen more than twelve people at one time at a Jizzbuckets gig (including the band). And that was when he was seeing double. The pub had made room for six hundred screaming loonies going off. This could perhaps be attributed to the lunatic asylum escape that had occurred just down the road. In any case, the band seemed pleased with the result. Except Taxy, for he was never pleased about anything.
J stripped down to his crusty jocks and leapt into some ground glass, then poured Dettol all over himself. He used the screams to fill in the bits where he forgot the lyrics.
“I am the reincarnation of Peter Allen!” he yelled, “all kneel before me!”
Several punters in fruity shirts and white shoes and pants rushed the stage and started licking J. He vomited on them all and they ran out of the place crying.
Soon the music stopped and all that was left was the screech of abusive feedback and glass smashing. The band started trashing the bar, stealing every liquor bottle they could grab. The entire venue emptied except for the thirteen dead that were lost during the gig. Keef was performing fellatio on one of the corpses and was having trouble making it come. Taxy was rubbing himself up against a speaker, while Jimmy and Plato sat at a table dribbling with a bottle of Stolichnaya Vodka to keep them company. J left the bar suffering from bizarre visions as a result of the Mono13. He had forgotten about the other members he had entered with and felt a blood-pumping urge to find Germy and utterly destroy the fucker. He scoured the streets in a daze.
On The Boulevard of Bad Dreams he passed the ‘Fucker and Mucker’ freak brothel. It was place where The Jizzbuckets had played a number of their earlier gigs. He decided to return there for nostalgic reasons. Before experiencing the erotic pleasures of Fucker and Mucker, J took a pause in the park nearby. He sat on a bench and absorbed the many pleasures offered by the virtual diorama. He sucked in the burden of the heavy weeping willow and optically climbed the starving birch, its white claws piercing the sunset. A Saloon Orbitbuster glided into the firmament with blue and red lights ablaze. J was reminded of a poem by Victor Hernandez-Prize:
Pablo Cortisone
He rides against the breeze
Without steed, he’s on his own
Encounters terrain with ease
Pablo Cortisone
The other Jizzbuckets came and sat with J as if in a staged sixties photo shoot. Keef pulled a face that caused a lip bleed. J spread his arms and grinned. In black and white, The Jizzbuckets held hands and walked through the park. Taxy sang a song that approximated ‘Lady Marmalade’ in tone and kissed J on the elbow. J turned to Taxy with a wide smile, his pupils raised to the sky. Keef tried to hold hands.
They reached a long, black tiled path to the brothel which was an art deco observatory with every curved feature as white as a Greek stallion. A woman who was half-human half-fish-finger beckoned the boys into the building. Her nipples were gigantic remote controls.
She said: “Aquaman is crap. He’s never had his own show.”
The pupil of one of her eyes grew a tiny arrowhead that flew into J’s eyeball. The two orbs merged. J spat usurped veins onto the doorstep of the observatory and urged the others in with a slap on the buttocks. The circular lobby entranced all. Royal purple dripped from every wall and caused a form of hypnotism on the group. A raven-haired madam greeted them with open arms. Red corset draped over emu legs. Her serpent tongue flicked out of her mouth almost maliciously and guided the gents up marble stairs to the awaiting boudoir. The revolving red room lit up soft pleasure in the group. It was entirely red except for the two-way mirrors that hid motion sensitive cameras. J peered through the massive telescope feature of the room to observe stars dancing and cavorting. Suns imploded. Moons split in two. Terrified creatures broke up in the galaxy like melting snowflakes. Parts of dissolving limbs waved goodbye like albino mites.
J flopped onto the heart shaped vibrating bed as the other band members were doing. He looked up at the clanking bare light bulbs. They held imploding galaxies of their own. The voluptuous prostitutes strode into the room like game show models with yellow catheters in hand. They had freaky heads and wore red glittery dresses. Pulsating organs fell from the ceiling next to the boys. They all stripped off. The tubes were connected from the hairy sacs to the penises of The Jizzbuckets. Genetic mutation in the form of lips suckled at the heads of the band. These rampantly engorged heads were milked for all they were worth. The whores practiced subtle trepanation. The room revolved. J came into the organ whose tube led to Keef’s nose. Keef turned to J, smiling, as come dripped from his lips. Taxy had clips on his nipples that milked him and created a plasmic shake. It dripped one cubic centimetre at a time into Momma’s happy mouth. A red wave of plasma fell across the ceiling and washed J with a frothy soothing warmth. He was watching Jimmy, naked and on haunches, blowing into an inflatable platypus of unknown origin while receiving an enema from one of the girls. Her tongue lashed around. J had a pint of prime Scottish lager in his jowls and let out a massive burp. One of the girls was giving him a urethra-enema. It was one of the happiest moments of his life. His rock god status overwhelmed him. He was being dipped in heavenly fondue. Additional catheters of the prostitutes and organs pumped sex by-product and mucus into the shag carpet. All fluids were led through synthetic veins under the floor and through a grate. The grate was a ceiling for a dank micro-brothel the size of a shoebox. It was dark and semi-flooded with the ooze of dirty customers. Grey slimy beings with the appearance of grapes and broad beans were mounted on matchboxes and congregating with grotty fury. They were joined by tiny white veins that transferred fluid. A diminutive S&M session occurred in the shadows of one corner, insect whinnying echoing. ‘Pretentious’ tack-tack-tacked away through the earphone of a tiny portable radio. Voyeuristic glands sat in the corners and caressed themselves. Without eyes, arms and ears the beings felt the zenith of ecstasy when sluicing fluids would fall upon them from the grate.
As J left Fucker and Mucker, a group of prepubescent skinheads confronted him.
“Give us some money, you fucking freak!” demanded the tallest skinhead.
J simply continued in his stride.
“Give us ya’ money cunt features!” yelled another.
Again no response from J. He was suddenly smashed across the back of the head by one of the skinheads with a billy club.
Elsewhere...
Germy was chairing a typically pointless meeting when he suddenly felt a sharp blow across the back of the head and fell unconscious. Not that anyone in the meeting room noticed.
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